Category: Personal Growth

September 26, 2019 Happiness, Inspiration, Parenting, Personal Growth 1 Comment

How to Fill Your Life with What’s Important to You

How to Fill Your Life with What’s Important to You & Your Family

6 Steps to Make the Most of Your Time

Time flies when you are having fun- or maybe just time flies! And if time flies, I certainly want to make sure to fill it up with the things that are important to me and my family. I don’t know about you, but I feel like we are always super busy. I feel like we have a million things to do and a million more that I would want to do if I just had more time!

Clearly there’s no way to add more time to the day. So, I started to think about what I could do to maximize my time and make sure I was using it wisely. That led me to try something new. I pinpointed our priorities and made a concerted effort to plan weekly activities to fulfill them.I call it intentional living, but I guess it is more like intentional planning. The planning is the key element as it takes the week on a whole and fills it with meaningful activities, rather than just attempting to complete a never ending to do list.

Take a minute to think about what you are already doing. Where do you spend your free time? Do those activities fill you up or leave you drained? Do you feel guilty about what you are doing (or not doing?) Do you get sad when people say things like “enjoy it while you have it” and “they grow up so fast! “ (I hope I can remember to never actually say that to anyone when I am older!)

If we choose to be intentional in how we use our time, we can look back and be proud, knowing that we filled our family’s free time with the things we value.  We can be proud that we took advantage of the time we had when our kids were at each age, because we thought about what we wanted for them and for our families and planned accordingly!

Here’s how to get started

1. FIGURE OUT YOUR FAMILY’S PRIORITIES!

First you have to figure out what your family’s priorities actually are. Some ideas include health, marriage, family time, fitness, friends, spirituality/religion, learning/personal growth, children, hobbies, volunteering, travel, community, careers, and education. There are lots of choices- so be sure to take some time to consider actually is important to you, not just what you think is supposed to be important!

2. PLAN ACTIVITIES EACH WEEK THAT FULFILL THOSE PRIORITIES

Once you know what is important to you and your family, then you can brainstorm activities that fulfill each area. Once you have some possibilities you can start planning them into your actual calendar. For example, my family values fun so I try to plan at least one playdate each week. I also try to get together with my friends at least once a week (while the kids are in school or at night). Another example for me is I try to get to the beach once a week to satisfy either peace/rest/nature time or health/fitness if I make an active trip like a run, surf, beach tennis, etc.

3. FIND WAYS TO COMBINE YOUR PRIORITIES WITH YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

In addition to just adding activities into your free time, you can also try to find ways to sneak aspects of what you prioritize into the things you have to do. You can’t escape your responsibilities (like your job, driving kids to school, doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc.) but you can find ways to make them more enjoyable. For example, if you value education, creativity, self-growth or learning, you can clean the house while you listen to your favorite podcasts. Or if you value dance or fitness you can clean while listening to fun upbeat songs that get you dancing along to your dusting. Those can be blended with health easily too if you listen to either while you cook or exercise. You can add either of those to school drop offs as well and find some fun kids’ podcast to get your kids excited about learning too.

4. SCHEDULE THE ACTIVITIES!

Take the time to schedule your important activities into your calendar. Maybe even start a family calendar where you can write it all down for everyone to see (if you haven’t done that already.) As a bonus, once you write it on an actual calendar it’s easier to see if your schedule is balanced or not. Keep in mind, you might not be able to fit everything you want into each week. Whatever doesn’t fit is either lower on the priority list or something to start with for the next week.

5. REVISIT YOUR ORIGINAL PRIORITIES

After some time has passed it’s a good idea to revisit your original priority list and make sure it is really true to what you want. Maybe you thought you valued super fitness but realize that you actually value family time more since your kids are little and you want to soak up the time with them. It is ok to change it up. It is one thing to want a six-pack, but it is another thing to actually be willing to do what it takes to achieve one. Also, the more priorities you have the harder it may be to get them all in. Therefore, you may have to trim down your list or get real with yourself about what really is important. Use your list and scheduling to feel good and fulfilled at the end of each week and adjust as needed along the way.

6. PLAN FOR DOWNTIME

Don’t forget to plan for downtime! With the endless activities available today and the never-ending to do lists, sometimes the thing missing is rest. It was a little bit of a surprise for me, a total extrovert, when I realized something I would like more of is peace and calm, aka downtime! So, I make sure to leave some free time and I also plan a beach day or afternoon as an opportunity to slow down and connect with nature. I also like to read, write and take it easy.

But what about if you are not a planner? What if this is just too much scheduling for you? I get it, though I might challenge you by saying you do keep some kind of schedule. I suppose if you don’t like to keep a calendar just the act of thinking about your priorities and how you spend your time can be helpful and maybe it will help keep that stuff at the top of your mind where you are more apt to do things to meet them. But I would also challenge you to try this method for a month and see how it feels. Maybe the act of planning based on how you want to spend your time will feel better and more palatable.

In anticipation of the holiday season that is upon us, I challenge myself and everyone who reads this to take the time to think about what priorities you have for yourself and your family and talk to them about it too. Then keep up with scheduling in time for your priorities. Fight the hectic holiday pace with planned important activities. Hopefully by having an empowering context and choosing activities that align with your family’s priorities, we can stay more grounded and calm in end of year and into the future.

Let me know your thoughts along the way. I’d love to hear how this intentional living and planning makes a difference for you!

January 21, 2019 Health & Fitness, Inspiration, Personal Growth Post a Comment

New Beginnings

A few months ago I read a book by one of my favorite authors, Leeanna Tankersley. I saw her speak many years ago at a Writer’s Conference I attended and when she appeared again years later at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschool Children) group, I truly enjoyed listening to her stories and soaking in any advice that spoke to me. So, when she was about to release her newest book, Begin Again, I convinced my bible study group that we had to choose her book.

New Beginnings. Even just saying that conjures up a lot of imagery and emotion. Sometimes new beginnings are exciting and energizing. Other times they are scary and stressful- and everything in between.

I am in the midst of a new beginning in my life right now that is extremely exciting and totally unexpected. Imagine if college or high school was one of the best times in your life, and now you somehow had the opportunity to do it again, but in this stage of your life. Ok, maybe that sounds confusing, but that’s exactly what it felt like for me.

In the mid 2000’s, my sister and I discovered a new sport called Beach Tennis and we began to compete on the pro tour. It was amazing how it all happened. It was a whirlwind few years as we traveled around the best beaches in the US, made an appearance on the Today Show, and even competed as the first American team at the World Championships in Italy.

We had a ball, but it seemed like that era was over. The organization that was putting it on in the US stopped holding tournaments, so we just counted our blessings for the time we had and moved on to other adventures, like getting married and having kids.

Then in October 2018 my husband and I went to Pacific Beach to celebrate our 9-year anniversary and we stumbled across the PB Beach Fest (which is funny because we often go to a neighborhood and end up there on their festival day even though we’d often prefer to be there with less crowds!) But in this case, it was a serendipitous occurrence, because as we strolled down the boardwalk, I peered down at the sand and saw it! A beach tennis tournament was going on, just like the ones we had played in so many years ago!

My heart started racing and we went down to check it out. Not only was the tournament going on, but a lot of old faces of people I knew from LA where there. An old friend was MC’ing the event, just like old times! My former mixed doubles partner was playing a match and another old friend was there to greet me! I took in the scene with such déjà vu and raw excitement. I was introduced to the two ladies who are running the effort to grow Beach Tennis in San Diego. I learned that in October 2019 San Diego will be hosting the ANOC World Beach Games and Beach Tennis will be a featured event. I was stunned!

Now I have the opportunity to help grow Beach Tennis in San Diego and bring the fun and excitement of this worldwide sport to my community. I also have people to play with and I am planning on competing again!

This new beginning is very exciting and also a little bit scary. I am in a totally different phase of my life than I was last time I was in this world. I have two little children, a husband, and lots of responsibilities and considerably less free time. I want to help bring this game to San Diego and more of the US, but I am pretty full already!

But that is how it is with new beginnings. There is an unknown that sometimes is hard to sit with. It is especially hard for me because I consider myself a planner. I want to know how it will go. I want to be able to accomplish all of my dreams. But what if I have too many dreams? Then what?

Maybe I am just a perfectionist and I have to relax and release what I think it should all look like. Wouldn’t that be great to just let it all go and take life as it comes, one day at a time, one moment at a time, totally present? I want to recapture the freedom I felt in my younger days when there was so much possibility in my future. Just because I am married and a mom, that doesn’t mean my adventure is over, right? Of course, it’s not. My adventure is even bigger now because it includes my whole family too. But I need to stay on track and be present and stop worrying about the future or living in the past.

I need to listen to Tankersley when she writes, “Every day, we begin again.” She shares such inspiring and entertaining stories in all of her books. In Begin Again, she says years ago the words of a Benedictine monk stuck with her, “always we begin again.” She was living in the Middle East on base with her husband when they had their first children, boy girl twins. I can only imagine what that must’ve felt like. I remember feeling confused and undone after the emergency C-section birth of my firstborn, but I was living in the US and only had one baby to tend to! None-the-less, those words stuck with her and she was drawn to them years later as she wrote this book.

You have to read it for yourself, but a few things stood out to me. The first is that every new beginning happens after an ending. And endings can hurt. I’ve been a mom for 6 years now, but sometimes I still miss all the free time I had before having kids. I always wanted kids and adore having them as they bring a whole new level of love and joy to my life. But it still marks the end of an era (and so far, sleeping through the night consistently too!) So, if a new beginning comes after an end, it is important to grieve the end. You can appreciate it for what it provided you and then embrace the new gifts your present offers.

Another thing that stood out was when Tankersley said that walls are doors. How awesome a context is that? You come to something that feels like a wall… You butt up right against it and feel stuck, trapped even. But you can transform that wall into a door. You can open it up and begin again. You can create something new. To me that sounds like a freedom and a treasure, to be able to get beyond whatever troubles are trapping you. Sure, there will be grief over the ending and perhaps trepidation about the new beginning, but there will also be a new found ability to create and start fresh.

Taking on new beginnings can be scary and sometimes we cling to what we have even though we know it’s not right. She tells the best story of how her landscaper wanted to remove one tree from the entrance to her house. Originally she had two trees flanking the sides of the entrance to her home, a pair. But this one is dead, he told her. Yet she still wanted to hold onto it. She says often we’d rather hold on to the known than step into the unknown. But in doing so we can miss out on the beauty. In her case with the dead tree, once it was removed, it highlighted the beautiful gazebo in the background. What beauty is awaiting us when we have the courage to take the next step?

A couple weekends ago I was lucky enough to attend an event that was all about new beginnings and it featured Leeanna Tankersely live on video chat. She was awesome as usual. She said she had recently discovered that scared easily changes to sacred and in doing so it invites God into her life. She also said that you’ll know when you need to know. I really like that as an opportunity to slow down and have faith in the process. New beginnings are just that, new. Taking moment by moment and enjoying the journey is the best way to do life. Sure, you can plan and work hard, but to experience the current moment in all its glory or pain is to be alive.

This week I will be off to my first beach tennis tournament in 10 years. I cannot wait to officially begin this next chapter. What new beginning are you creating in your life?

For more info on Beach Tennis:

Like Us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/themaloneysisters/

Beach Tennis San Diego: https://www.facebook.com/beachtennis.sandiego.3

International Beach Tennis (ITF): https://www.itftennis.com/beachtennis/home.aspx

For more info on Leeana Tankersley:

http:www.leeanatankersley.com

Tankersely, Leeanna. Begin Again. Revell, 2018.

September 7, 2018 Kids, Parenting, Personal Growth Post a Comment

Back to School Madness!?

I thought that this year’s back to school transition would be easier than last year’s. It seems logical to think that since my son would be starting 1st grade and we had already gotten used going to elementary school the year before, that this year would be pretty straightforward. Wrong!

I guess that is exactly what it is like to be a parent though. You think one thing, and then boom, you are proven wrong yet again. But I guess in this instance I am referring more to myself and my transition from summer to school, than for my son.

Thank God he LOVES school! In fact, even just this morning he was upset with us for telling him we are taking him out of school a little early to go to Legoland and stay overnight in the Legoland Hotel. The kid would rather be in school than hang in a theme park and hotel designed solely for kids’ pleasure and entertainment! After showing him pictures of the Adventure-themed-room we are staying in and explaining how this hotel is different from others and that this is most likely the only time we will be staying there, I was able to win him over. Fingers crossed, he will be happy when we all roll up to his school early this afternoon to whisk him away.

Legoland aside, I suppose it is a new routine this year at our school. They have closed the campus so adults have to check in at the front office (which is located at the other entrance, significantly further from our house) and we have a new system for drop offs and pick ups.

But that isn’t the point, the point is with this back to school season I have felt overwhelmed and a bit bummed- and I consider myself an organized and happy person. I didn’t turn in all the papers to the teacher, I couldn’t figure out how to login to the online system for a couple days, I feel behind and wonder how other moms out there are feeling? What do you do to stay on top of back to school?

The night before school started I secretly cried before going to sleep. I didn’t want my oldest to start back in school full days. I wished he could still be on a half day preschool schedule like my younger son. I wanted to keep our beach adventure days, lazy mornings and utter flexibility going strong! Now that they are back in school it feels like I am just doing, doing, doing and I guess I miss the playing…

Two days ago, my son came home from school and said he doesn’t have enough time for playing anymore now that he’s in first grade. Hmm, guess we are having the same experience! Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our kids are going through big transitions, especially when they are good kids who seem to be able to easily adapt. (And I guess it’s good timing to be heading to Legoland- lots of time to play.)

What is it about being human and having routine?

So we will push on and get used to this new routine. Now that my youngest has finally started preschool (a few weeks after my oldest), I will have some time in the mornings to get sorted and stay on top of things. In the mean time I have to offer myself GRACE just like I would to my children. We can only do the best we can do and it’s ok to make mistakes and forget things once in awhile.

In a few months we will be a well-oiled school routine machine and fingers crossed I can actually get some projects done that I have been putting off for ages (like baby books, toy sorting, closet cleaning, photo organizing, etc.)

As a mom the list of things we are responsible for is endless, but we have to make time for our own joy, fun and relaxation- easier said than done. So if you have a funny back to school story or a helpful strategy you’ve learned about making the back to school transition go smoothly, I’d love to hear it!

PS- I hope you like my silly 1st day of school pic! LOL

July 23, 2018 Inspiration, Personal Growth 2 Comments

Being Vulnerable

Why is it easier to be vulnerable with strangers than the people we know? Why do we fear being judged by people even when we are adults? What if we stood up in courage and did what we wanted and what we felt drawn to do even if we were afraid of what other people might think?

Years ago, I did many leadership trainings and now I am reminded of one thing they taught us. Everyone is just trying to look good for everyone else. Meaning you are trying to look good for me and I am trying to look good for you. Maybe we can just drop all the trying and instead just be ourselves. Imagine the freedom to do what we want and not fear being judged?

What do you want to do in freedom? It could be a million things. For me it is writing. I want to write and to inspire people to live the best life they can live for themselves and their families. I want to keep myself accountable and make up games and strategies and tricks for when life gets me down and share them with you guys. But what will you think? What will my community think of me pouring out my heart? Will they judge me? Will they laugh at me? Will they…?

Who cares should be the answer! I have been on this planet too long to get stopped by worrying about other people and what they think. Like I learned, it is better to just be your true authentic self and lead the life you want to live and let other people just be other people.

So here I am, going out on a limb and putting myself, my thoughts, my life and my hopes out there. Where are you ready to get out there in life yourself? Where are you going to be strong and go after your dream?

And who in your life needs your support in going after their dream? Not advice but support. Simply listening and being there for them. Offering advice only when asked for and instead offering love, understanding and solace as a constant.

We can all only pray to be that person for others in our lives. To build a network of trusted friends and mentors to whatever level we each feel comfortable. But in the end, a true friendship is beyond our Instagram and Facebook reel of our perfect lives. Don’t you want to know what is actually going on in your closest people’s lives? Doesn’t it make you feel good to be there for them, and even sometimes relief to hear that other people, like you, are going through things and dealing with life the best they can?

Let’s come together and bring our vulnerability. Let’s come together and laugh and maybe cry together. Let’s bring our dreams together and make things happen on this planet like the forces we are.

 

June 8, 2018 Happiness, Parenting, Personal Growth Post a Comment

Planning vs Worrying

Are you a planner? Do you keep your family’s schedule organized and help juggle all the activities and responsibilities? I am obsessed with planning and feel like it totally helps me to live a happy and balanced life (more details on that to come in another post soon.) But on the flip side, I can also find myself worrying about things like my son’s ear infections or traveling alone to Chicago or really anything having to do with the safety and health of my boys…. So, when I stumbled across an article about the difference between planning and worrying I was intrigued.

It started off by saying we have evolved from the hunter gatherer life and we are programmed to be on the lookout for dangerous or compromising situations. (My husband would love that as he is always bringing it back to our human roots tied to the land and our instincts.) This innate sleuthing thus enabled and enables us to survive. Our parents trained us and now we even do it to our kids.

“We are all the products of men and women who evolved to be wary. There is nothing remarkable about this. We plan our days and our years. From the time we are children, we are told to watch out for strangers, for speeding cars, and for being caught outside in bad weather. We are instructed to eat and sleep properly and take care of ourselves. Doing the right thing becomes automatic-most of the time. We do not worry about these matters. We plan for them. We schedule them. But even as children, and forever after, we also worry about things. What distinguishes those problems we plan for from those we worry about?” 1

We can plan for all sorts of things- like what we will make for dinner this week, what to do for the next girls night out, how to make the upcoming birthday/holiday/party special, saving for retirement, etc. We can plan for big and little things just as we can worry about big and little things. Whether they are important (like the health of our parents or saving for college) or fleeting (like did I remember to start the dishwasher before I left the house or is my friend upset I had to reschedule our lunch), anything you worry about can be consuming and draining.

Here is what Fredric Neuman M.D. says distinguishes the problems we plan for versus those we worry about: “We plan every day for all those things we need to accomplish during the day. We worry about those things that are very difficult or impossible to plan for.”

In other words, we plan for things we can control, and we worry about things that we cannot control or that we can control but may be short on time for like saving money to retire once you are very close to retirement.

He continues, “To put it another way, we can plan for something important and not worry, if it seems to us we are in control. We worry about things we cannot control. So, we worry if a biopsy will come back showing an abnormal growth, we worry about our children using drugs, we worry about not having enough money to pay the mortgage, we may worry about a spouse being unfaithful. These matters seem to be out of our control. They defy our ability to plan for them. Worry is, therefore, an inevitable consequence of the inability to plan successfully. It is as if we our searching our minds for a plan to confront these problems and cannot find one. If we could find one, we would not worry!”1

So as a planner what can I do to stop worrying? Most people say just let it be, or worrying won’t help, or even less helpful some people say just stop worrying about that- as if it’s the easy! But the aha moment for me from this article is that worrying can’t be stopped on its own, you need to plan for your worry and get beyond the “what if….?” To discover the “then what?….”

“The antidote to worry is action. Chronic worriers are simply people who are not good at making plans.”1

I took a little offense to that when I read it since I consider myself a serious planner! But I can look beyond that to see where in worrying about certain areas I never got past that potential problem to get to the part where I make a plan for it.

Actually, I was just in this circumstance last Wednesday. Both of my sons had a cold, one even got an ear infection. My throat began to feel a bit scratchy and my left ear started to hurt a little bit. Normally that wouldn’t be too big of a problem (especially now that my son got tubes for his ears and he didn’t have to get antibiotics, again.) The problem was that I was about to leave for a solo trip to Chicago to visit my 92-year-old grandma and see family and friends and I didn’t want to be sick for it or have a problem flying with a sore ear.

I was worrying and worrying. What if I am coughing and sick and can’t enjoy my trip? What if I bring germs to my grandma or am too sick to see her? What if my eardrum ruptures on the flight? This went on for a while and persisted as I was already in a nervous state as I rarely leave my kids and husband! Then I did what the article talks about, I went from the “What If” to the “Then What…”

I thought ok what’s the worst scenario here, I feel sick and I can’t go visit my grandma. Well then I’ll be alone and can just stay in a hotel. What if my ear ruptures or hurts? Then I will go to the doctor and get past it! Worse case I hurt a little and miss out, not a big deal. So, I let it go with a plan in mind. I went to Chicago; my ear was fine, and I never got the cold. I got to visit my grandma, my family, and old friends. I seriously had the best trip ever and it is pretty hilarious that I even spent one minute worrying about it! But experiences like this help me to do better in the future. And now that I am equipped with the other tips from this article I hope to plan away all my worries in the future!

To wrap it up here is Neuman’s general strategy for dealing with worry:

“No matter how out of control a situation may seem to be, worrying about it can be dispelled by developing a plan of action. The trick, then, for the affected person-or his/her therapist-is to try to find some plan for dealing with that situation. Sometimes a simple exploration of the problem immediately suggests a reassuring response. I worried one time that my daughter would miss a connecting flight. She pointed out to me that the airlines have a way of dealing with that situation. “They will just put me on the next flight,” she told me.” 1

It is funny that I stumbled upon this technique just earlier this week all on my own and I look forward to applying it to any situations in the future where I would normally find myself worrying!

 

1. Neuman M.D., Fredric. “Planning vs. Worrying. The treatment of a worry.” Psychology Today. 04 Dec. 2016, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fighting-fear/201612/planning-vs-worrying. Accessed 04 June 2018.

May 18, 2018 Inspiration, Kids, Personal Growth Post a Comment

The Whole World is a Playground

While I was dropping my son off at school this morning, I snapped this pic of the playground. I was struck by the energy and exuberance all around me and how all the kids turned the playground into whatever they wanted it to be. Enthralled in the moment, they run, they sing, they dance, they play, they draw, they chase. They are free.

The playground isn’t just a playground. It is a basketball arena, a stage, a canvas. They are joyful and jubilant.

As we go into the weekend, I want to take this attitude with me. I want to create moments of bliss with my family and turn wherever I am into something inspiring. I want to play and experience freedom and flow, if even just for a little.

What will you do this weekend to find even just one of these moments?

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